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The Never Ending Battle

This is the post that has taken me two months to write

August 17th will be remembered for a while. I started off that day feeling absolutely terrible. My nest friend rushed me to the ER. They ran several test and I heard some words that were new to me…”We have to keep you”. Wait, what?? Me stay in the hospital overnight or longer… I just can’t believe it’s come to this.

This hospital stay was a result of pushing through. I had several things going on this summer to be present for. I made it and paid for it. I realized that I wasn’t feeling well, but I just thought I needed to rest. Nope, my body was shut down. My kidney function was out of wack. This affected everything else. I was immediately put on a series of strong antibiotics and fluids. This lasted for hours on end. I rested just a little because hey, it is a hospital. I was released on good behavior the next day, meaning that my numbers had improved.

Coming home, I really thought my bounce back would be swift. I was very wrong. My energy level has yet to be at normal level for me almost 2 months later. This had a significantly emotional effect on me because I wanted to be ready to go. Well, I had finally reached a point if no more pushing through. I must stop.

Fast forward a few weeks and I had a camping trip planned from a year ago. I was really excited until I realized I was going to be tent camping for the 1st time. A chronic illness warrior tent camping…for real?? I felt overwhelmed. I still packed and planned accordingly. I ran into a completely unexpected challenge when, on night one our tent started to leak from rain.

This resulted in about 2 hours of sleep and being really busy and engaged the next day. One of the things I don’t discuss about myself is the need to unplug from “peopling”. Yes, my bubbly personality has to take time away from interaction. This was difficult being in a tent with no chairs inside. At night, it was sleep and stay warm. This definitely wore me out, but I enjoyed being with all my friends. Now I m in recovery mode emotionally and physically. I did decide that next years camping trip would include 4 walls and a roof. This is just a brief glance into the last few weeks. Getting ready for what’s to come

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Working On Me..

One of the best ways to stay busy is to find ways to be a better version of yourself. A few years ago I entered therapy and uncovered traumas I didn’t know I had. I discontinued and realized recently this is something important I need in my life. Well, I started my journey back today with a new therapist that presents a lot of promise. I can’t wait to navigate these new waters again. I even consider it my own personal journey of self care. I love that I can also do it virtually from my bed. Win win!! If you are on the fence about therapy, jump over. You won’t regret how it helps you to smooth out this difficult journey, mentally and emotionally.

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Life Adjustments

You know, sometimes I sit back and think about my journey. Let me tell you why this is so important. Generally we get wrapped up in the obstacles in our way that we don’t enjoy the journey. Yes, I was 80 pounds smaller way back when, I had abundant energy, and no pain. I have realized though that pain has made me so much stronger- mentally, and emotionally. What about you, do you ever think of your journey or even journal about to see how far you’ve come? It can be such a satisfying thing to look back and really see how far you’ve come. Here I go, back to my pen and paper.

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Back Like I Never Left

It’s been awhile my friends. So many good things are in process right now. Can’t wait to make an official announcement. In the meantime, of course I must do something chronic like. I was walking down my stairs at home and boom, missed about 4 steps. To the ER I go to wait for hours and hours among the “interesting “people. Diagnosis-broken toe. You never know how important a toe is until it’s not working right. Now, it’s on to the next phase of never never land treatments. I hope you all find humor in your own stories, no matter how difficult life becomes. A laugh eases the pain just a bit.

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The Breaks…

Every now and then I need a break, even from doing the things I love. I have really missed writing and catching you guys up. There hasn’t been a whole lot going on, but my body has been confused because my state won’t pick a season. This is never fun, because your days are up and down. I have a few exciting activities coming up that I hope will keep me pleasantly distracted. So when you are down and sick, do you ever go on shopping sprees? Buying things that make you feel good, but don’t necessarily need…yeah one of my weaknesses. It drives my husband crazy, especially since I don’t work. It’s definitely a mental and emotional comfort. I may have to redirect my energy though. In the meantime looking forward to warmer days and soothing sunlight.

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So I did A Couple Of Things…

I had a very full and fun weekend. Hope the same can be said for you. Saturday I went and had Amazing food with a couple of friends and Sunday spent the day with my husband, walking around parks and having icecream. I was tired both days as you can imagine, but here we are at Monday and it’s raining. My body is screaming but my emotions are still in tact from such a fun weekend. A change of scenery, even if local can do wonders during this pandemic. Find the beauty in each day you open your eyes! Have a great week!!!

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So I Did A Thing..

Have you ever had in mind a task you knew would take a lot out of you, but you were determined to do it. Well I decided to tackle smoking a 14lb turkey. I’m not quite sure if I thought this part out…it’s hard for me to lift 10 pounds much less 14. Skipping to the best parts, I had to smoke for 3 hours, let my husband take it out and finish it in the oven. I actually got exhausted from keeping the chips in smoker going. This turkey wore me completely out. When I woke up the next day, everything and I mean everything hurt. Emotionally, I felt very fulfilled. I pushed through even though it was physically taxing and I knew repercussions were coming. Sometimes it’s not what you do, but if you finish.

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When Time Stands Still…..

Time waits for no one, including those with chronic illness. My time lately has been trying to figure out why am I feeling worst than usual… I was able to find out that my body was fighting two, yes two infections without any help. Now comes the recovery period, and I’m so tired trying to press forward to do regular every day things. Well there is light at the end of the tunnel, but where is my end? It’s so dark…In my mind there has to stay a positive button. Someone please push it for me….I need a skittles rainbow to form…immediately.

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When Anxiety Strikes

Have you ever had one of those days when everything wrong turns into overwhelming anxiety? Yes, we all have.. that’s when you learn the importance of taking deep breaths. I couldn’t believe the spiral downward I was taking. That’s when I just had to stop everything. Life as I knew was taking over. As I sat there to gather all the shrapnel from my day, I found the super glue to put it all back together. Now that same glue doesn’t work every time, but fortunately I have more tricks up my sleeve. Putting things into real perspective takes out the unnecessary anxiety that looks to weigh us down. If you don’t pause to take in the roses so to speak, you will miss all the other beautiful scenery. This beautiful scenery I learned today is what calms down that overwhelming sense of drowning. So please stop and smell all the flowers.

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Healing Until Further Notice…

Have you ever had one of those weeks when the white flag was in your hand? This was me, so me. I was on full surrender. I decided to get my booster vaccine a week ago. I did great the first day, the next morning when I woke up I felt like two trains hit me. Body aches, fever, bones aching. This was way too much!! Unfortunately I had to ride this out all week. In some ways I’m still recovering. Now this is not to discourage any one from getting the vaccine. Whatever you choose to do is your personal decision. Those of my spoonie friends, when you get your boosters, prepare for a full on flare. An angry flare… These are some if the unexpected twist and turns of chronic illness. Not excuse me as I continue to piece myself together.