Today is one of those days I totally feel like giving up. Today is a day that all I will do is make it to the bathroom, possibly with help. Today is a day I’m working on being positive but my pain makes me question everything. Today is a day I wonder what did I do to deserve my life being this way. Today is also a day that I know better days are coming.
Have you ever been so tired that you felt like your eyes couldn’t stay open. You go to bed to rest but can’t go to sleep. Welcome to the exhausting life of chronic illness. Non restorative sleep is a big issue, we go to sleep tired and wake up tired. It’s interesting to feel this way and work to function day in and day out. This is personally where I believe brain fog comes from, the brains inability to shut down and rest. With all that being said, I’m going into my partial shutdown.
Most people will tell you,it’s OK to talk to yourself as long as you don’t answer yourself. Well, I m here to tell you that I have to have regular conversations to motivate my very being. Some days it’s “hey girl you did good”, other days it’s “well you did the best you could “. These conversations didn’t start that way,I used to be very critical of myself for the things I couldn’t do anymore. I had to learn to love myself again with all the flaws that came with me. Yes, this meant telling myself you’re still beautiful even though my eyes were dark and my skin was flush with pain. Pain doesn’t stop beauty, giving up does. As long as I have breath, I promised myself to appreciate everything there is about ME. Love on yourself regularly, and always be confident as to how much others love you too!
Taking a bring these past couple of weeks has left a big void for me. I became a full-time care taker for my mother after she had a major surgery. How, one may ask? You push through just like any other day. Of course this took a grand toll on my body, but when someone as important as mom is depending on you, you make it work. Now that we are home from the hospital ALL the tiredness has set in to an inexplicable level. However, I rest when she rest. I recently had a good friend bring me some decorative duct tape. I may be using this in the near future to piece back this ship wreck called a body. One thing I have really missed is sharing my life events and experiences here. This serves as my gratitude/ reality journal. I hope you keep enjoying this journey as I share it with you.
I had to take a much needed mental break. In dealing with this new leg pain it has really been a test to my mental state. You begin to question yourself when you can’t find appropriate answers to your pain questions. This pain has lasted for weeks and I am still awaiting appointments and answers all the while questioning-should I just go back to the hospital? I’m mentally overwhelmed because a dear love on is facing a very major surgery soon, of I lose her my life when forever be changed. While I can’t focus on that, this pain makes itself the center of attention. The no sleep,peace, or comfortable walking robbing pain. When chronic pain warriors seek outside mental counseling, this is why. Dealing with constant pain is NOT normal. Your brain doesn’t respond well and neither do your emotions. Hold tight and find solace my friends your fight is not a lonely one, there’s an army there with you…..
One of the most annoying things of chronic illness is pains that pop up out of nowhere and trying to explain them to your providers. This has been my plight for the past few days. I’m now having to take an entirely different road to find answers… I know I m not the only one who has ever experienced this type of pain, so why do they look at me like an alien. Their favorite solution is give you a shot of pain meds and send you on your way. This time that didn’t even make a difference. I started rationalizing how I can make it with just one leg, maybe not so much. Well in the meantime I have to keep my sense of humor in tact.
May is a busy month for chronic awareness. Misophonia, Lupus, and Fibromyalgia are all recognized during this month. If you are not familiar with any of these please research and learn. The more you know, the better you cam adjust around sensitive people. If one of your family members, or friends suffer from one of these ailments please the blue, or purple to show your love and support. It means more than word can express. Tia, Jackie, Myrna, Thais, Prestina….this one is for you 💙💜
Sometimes, it’s an accomplishment to make it to the toilet. That’s been my past 2 weeks. Between healing from pneumonia and taking the covid vaccine it’s been quite a ride. The fatigue has been unimaginable…changes in weather has incurred an increase in pain. Even still I look forward to tomorrow and what it holds. There’s always some sunshine in the day,you just have to look for it. For me,it’s the awesome conversations I have with my loves ones. This gives me so much purpose. Try it sometimes. The fulfillment will brighten your day unlike anything else.
If this picture doesn’t describe my life recently. Recovering from pneumonia, then getting vaccinated. Just wow! Vaccines hit really different when you battle certain illnesses. I’ve been so tired I can’t keep my eyes open,literally. It affects everyone differently, but I will be super happy to get a portion of my energy back. It’s really hard to have to just STOP. Shutting down all activities is the bottom of the barrel,yet I’m starting to see some glimmers of light at the end of this very long tunnel…
I knew from the start of this week that this post would be interesting. My body felt a little off but when does it not. On Tuesday it came to head- diagnosis..pneumonia. Really, I got stuff to do. I guess that has to be put on hold cause I’m tired. No Covid so far so very thankful for that. This reiterates the point that we as chronic warriors have to stop or our bodies will stop us. I hope everyone enjoys the rest of your week and I’ll touch basis next week. Air hugs to all!!
Butterfly Chronicles 